I wish I was pretty but like actually pretty, not “my friends and family think I’m pretty because they’re my friends and family” pretty
i hope my first child is a dragon
I’m really good at breakdancing I’ve broken 36 vases, 20 tables, and 27 chairs
My dad just yelled “I SWEAR I’LL CUT OFF WHAT’S LEFT OF YOUR DICK IF YOU FUCKING TOUCH MY COKE DON’T YOU DARE” and I came in the room like what the fuck and it was my dad holding up a shoe and my cat sitting by a glass of coca-cola with his paw almost touching inside of it and both of them didn’t even break eye contact with each other
ma’am when i said freestyle i did not mean rap. this is a swimming competition please turn down the beat. ma’am.
do your eyes ever randomly go out of focus and then you are too lazy to focus them back in and just stare at nothing for a while
can you imagine how fucking relieved the french must have been when we reached the year 2000?
they went from having to say “mille neuf cents quatre-vingt-dix-neuf” to just having to say “deux mille” to say the year